I was reading this very popular blog that's going through some serious secondary infertility (finding yourself unable to conceive after having one or more children, in this case one very adorable little girl). She was describing her pain and how she wishes people would not hide their pregnancy from her but tell her first so she doesn't hear it from someone else and bear the shock of being the last to know.
What struck me about the post was this: She described why infertiles should be told first like the way you tell your kids that the fireworks will be loud before the boom occurs so they can prepare themselves, so the boom isn't so scary. I thought about this past Fourth of July sitting out on our deck with a niece on my lap and a niece on Brian's lap. The parents were relaxing enjoying beers. When a firework shot up the parents would go, "It's going to be a loud one," and the boom would come and the girls would say something like, "Oh, that was nothing."
When the very popular blogger wrote about the boom of fireworks it occurred to me all that I'm missing by not being a mom, that I would not know to do this, to say, "It's going to be a loud one." The reason I don't know this is because I'm not a mom. The blogger is a mom and she knows about fireworks. So though I sympathize the best I can with secondary infertility, I can't help but think, yeah, but you're a mom, you get to experience it, not as much as you want, but you still get it, you belong, you have so much joy and experiences a primary infertile never gets to have their whole lives. You had it once and you want it again, it's sad sure, but it's also very different than never having it at all.
I hate feeling inferior like that. I hate that I don't know how to behave with kids during the fireworks. I hate that I'm not a mom, even once. I try to bargain and say one is enough and I think it would be. Though I'd try for a second if it never happened, I could handle it. I'm not there so it's hard to say, I'm trying to understand. There are folks who read me and think why make such a big deal out of your infertility, I could handle never being a mom. The thing is just because you think YOU can do it, doesn't always mean the other person can. I've dropped reading most secondary infertile blogs. Reading about moms who can't get out of bed because they can't get pregnant again while their little tots play by themselves and lose a bit of their mom, breaks my heart. I'm not a mom, so I don't get it, (I hate this is the mantra of my life now) but I would never do that. It's not about babies but little lives that you already have and what those little lives mean to you. It's not about numbers to me, unless that number is one.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Needs More Aqua
The thing I was most struck with walking into our house after vacation is how light and colorful our little house is. The Adirondacks is breathtaking but everything is so dark, dark wood paneling, dark wood furniture, dark tweed linens, neutral palates. I didn't notice it until I came home but color really uplifts me. We talk about moving to the Adirondacks all the time and I'm curious how I would marry the nature and neutrality of the Adirondacks with my light and airy style.
Our cabin this year was Brian's favorite, it practically fell into the lake.
But I hated it. The kitchen had spiders in the sink, a terrible impractical layout, the bedroom had this really horrible (mildew?) smell that I could not get rid off after slathering the mattress in Fabrese and washing all the sheets (including their mattress pad). I could not get used to sharing a double bed or showering in a shower too small to shave my legs. I couldn't take a long shower because the hot water heater was the size of a coffee can. The view from the living room was breathtaking, the deck was an awesome place to watch fireworks over the lake. It was cool this year and we even had a fire in the house a couple nights and the heat on every night. I thought for sure the wood burning fire would release the old lady smell of the house and bed but it did not.
My choice would be to go back to last year's cabin. It's in the same place, $50 cheaper, with a queen bed that doesn't smell, a better, more workable kitchen, a bathtub, a working DVD player, a bigger dining table, and last year had internet access. The downfall is the view is there but not so great and it's back behind the big house so you feel a little closed off, more part of the driveway than the lake. Brian is nixing this idea so we are searching yet again for another cabin. It would be nice to find a cabin to be our cabin. I'm a girl of familiarity and changing cabins every year seems so unlike me. But I feel like our cabin is out there somewhere and when we find it everything will fall into place.
Our cabin this year was Brian's favorite, it practically fell into the lake.
But I hated it. The kitchen had spiders in the sink, a terrible impractical layout, the bedroom had this really horrible (mildew?) smell that I could not get rid off after slathering the mattress in Fabrese and washing all the sheets (including their mattress pad). I could not get used to sharing a double bed or showering in a shower too small to shave my legs. I couldn't take a long shower because the hot water heater was the size of a coffee can. The view from the living room was breathtaking, the deck was an awesome place to watch fireworks over the lake. It was cool this year and we even had a fire in the house a couple nights and the heat on every night. I thought for sure the wood burning fire would release the old lady smell of the house and bed but it did not.
My choice would be to go back to last year's cabin. It's in the same place, $50 cheaper, with a queen bed that doesn't smell, a better, more workable kitchen, a bathtub, a working DVD player, a bigger dining table, and last year had internet access. The downfall is the view is there but not so great and it's back behind the big house so you feel a little closed off, more part of the driveway than the lake. Brian is nixing this idea so we are searching yet again for another cabin. It would be nice to find a cabin to be our cabin. I'm a girl of familiarity and changing cabins every year seems so unlike me. But I feel like our cabin is out there somewhere and when we find it everything will fall into place.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Home
The lady who took care of Penny while we were on vacation decided to keep her. She says she's very well behaved and smart and renamed her Minerva from Harry Potter (the professor who turns into a gray tabby cat). Hurray, I saved the kitten!
Written on Thursday
Every year when we come to the Adirondacks we take a side trip. One year it was Lake Placid, another Lake George, a couple museum trips. This year was going to be Old Forge but then I got an email from Aimee Mann's website with her concert schedule. She was going to be in the Upstate area around the time of our trip. We weren't sure how the money situation was going to be but in the last week before the trip everything looked to be okay so I booked tickets for Aimee Mann on Lake Champlain.
The concert was supposed to be on the water on what seemed like an outdoor amphitheater. Unfortunately the weather has been inconsistent (how I wish it was raining like this at home) and they moved the event indoors hastily at some hall that resembled a gymnasium complete with bleachers going down the sides. A tarp was laid over the open center. I bought a cotton striped picnic blanket for some romantic afternoon and here we are sitting on a dirty tarped floor.
Somehow due to the rain impeding visiting the town too much we ended up at the concert hall early. Early enough to be first in line at the general admission. We entered the empty tarped hall and took our place next to another couple who somehow beat us in. Brian and I began discussing options. Brian wanted to stand at the stage. I wanted to sit. I was an hour to the show and I was already tired from the day and the bizarre heat rash I managed to obtain in mid 70s weather all week and has been debilitating me for a few days now in chronic itchiness. I was thinking the bleachers. We'll just sit over there and be casual. The compromise for me was sitting on the dirty tarped floor 10 feet from the stage. He stood at the stage. We were like this for 45 minutes until my butt was falling asleep and my back started feeling old. I got up and went to the stage with him. We were the only ones there beside folks with press passes. Everyone else was behind us, sitting on the tarp or on the bleachers. It felt really silly.
The show started late and there we were right up front resting our arms on the stage. Brian told me to look behind me and everyone had stood up and was behind us. I couldn't even tell they were there, it was weird. I felt suddenly emotional like it was some sort of gift standing where I was. I wanted to thank someone and yet tell them, seriously, with this sort of clout, I'd prefer pregnancy, but thanked my good fortune anyway. When will it ever be like this again.
The show was great and we headed home earlier than we thought thanks to the second part of the concert being after ours and an almost 3 hours drive in the dark down some seriously curvy roads into the mountains. We took a ferry across Lake Champlain on the way back. Brian thought it was the greatest. I was too cold and really tired of itching. Then there was this giant moon dipping behind clouds, being beautiful and spooky.
We got home and I reburied my nose back into this book I've been reading, The Time Traveler's Wife. I've got a post about that too, not sure when I can get to it. Our vacation is winding down. Tomorrow is a big day. More family members are arriving and we are leaving Saturday morning. Friday night will feel like a whirlwind. I ovulate tomorrow too. It's a big day all around.
Today we took a very long canoe ride. Seriously, crazy long. I had put it off as long as I could. The gray sky opened up today and the lake was flat as glass. Brian retrieved the canoe while I packed a cooler with snacks and drinks and a camera. Off we went directly across the lake. We took a break at a public "beach" that was really nice. Grass went almost right to the water and I laid in the shade of a tree on a towel in the grass. The grass was cool on my feet and no fear of fire ants like at home. I felt like a kid again. Brian swam and came over to eat grapes. Then we got back in the canoe and headed under the bridge and down a stream. Brian wouldn't let me paddle this part so I could save energy to help get us back against current. I had my camera ready and enjoyed the calmness of the ride. We didn't see much only some ducks and birds. The first duck family we came across one of the baby ducks started swimming towards our canoe. Someone has been breaking the rule about feeding ducks. Why else would wild ducks be approaching the canoe. Later we heard a great struggle in the thick grasses and a terrible sound. We think it was a couple of ducks fighting. I hope it was nothing worse than that. Later we spotted a seagull. For a moment we felt like we were home. Why are seagulls here? Or a seagull, anyway.
Brian got tired of trying to get to the elusive beaver dam a couple told us about. We past a kayaker who said he never found it and Brian started turning the canoe around. I tried making paddling a game. I would paddle five times on each side, take a break and then add five more. Five each side the first time, then ten each side, then 15, up to 25 and back to 5 again and start over. I got tired anyway. On the way back we past 2 families of ducks and remarked there were probably 100s of families all in the marsh grasses that we couldn't see. The same baby duck came up to the boat. I tried making a short video, we'll see how it comes out. The second set was cute, a little smaller, all frantically turning upside down looking for dinner. Then we saw the seagull dive into the water and come up with a fish. He flew right over us with a rather large fish still sticking out of his mouth. Brian and I were laughing, it was so odd, the seagull should be home at the beach, where the heck is a blue heron or something.
Then I saw the large gray cloud appear to our right in the direction Brian says the weather comes. Or original plan was to stop after the bridge at the public beach again and rest but I decided we should keep going. I do not want to be stuck in the middle of this giant lake on a canoe with it raining on us. We kept going all the way, it felt like forever, but slowly our camp got bigger and bigger and we were home. It never rained.
It's quiet now, Brian is sleeping. I just finished my book. I don't like sad endings. I still feel like I'm on that canoe, the water bobbing me up and down, wondering if we can ever reach the otherside. Is it close, is it far, I can't tell.
The concert was supposed to be on the water on what seemed like an outdoor amphitheater. Unfortunately the weather has been inconsistent (how I wish it was raining like this at home) and they moved the event indoors hastily at some hall that resembled a gymnasium complete with bleachers going down the sides. A tarp was laid over the open center. I bought a cotton striped picnic blanket for some romantic afternoon and here we are sitting on a dirty tarped floor.
Somehow due to the rain impeding visiting the town too much we ended up at the concert hall early. Early enough to be first in line at the general admission. We entered the empty tarped hall and took our place next to another couple who somehow beat us in. Brian and I began discussing options. Brian wanted to stand at the stage. I wanted to sit. I was an hour to the show and I was already tired from the day and the bizarre heat rash I managed to obtain in mid 70s weather all week and has been debilitating me for a few days now in chronic itchiness. I was thinking the bleachers. We'll just sit over there and be casual. The compromise for me was sitting on the dirty tarped floor 10 feet from the stage. He stood at the stage. We were like this for 45 minutes until my butt was falling asleep and my back started feeling old. I got up and went to the stage with him. We were the only ones there beside folks with press passes. Everyone else was behind us, sitting on the tarp or on the bleachers. It felt really silly.
The show started late and there we were right up front resting our arms on the stage. Brian told me to look behind me and everyone had stood up and was behind us. I couldn't even tell they were there, it was weird. I felt suddenly emotional like it was some sort of gift standing where I was. I wanted to thank someone and yet tell them, seriously, with this sort of clout, I'd prefer pregnancy, but thanked my good fortune anyway. When will it ever be like this again.
The show was great and we headed home earlier than we thought thanks to the second part of the concert being after ours and an almost 3 hours drive in the dark down some seriously curvy roads into the mountains. We took a ferry across Lake Champlain on the way back. Brian thought it was the greatest. I was too cold and really tired of itching. Then there was this giant moon dipping behind clouds, being beautiful and spooky.
We got home and I reburied my nose back into this book I've been reading, The Time Traveler's Wife. I've got a post about that too, not sure when I can get to it. Our vacation is winding down. Tomorrow is a big day. More family members are arriving and we are leaving Saturday morning. Friday night will feel like a whirlwind. I ovulate tomorrow too. It's a big day all around.
Today we took a very long canoe ride. Seriously, crazy long. I had put it off as long as I could. The gray sky opened up today and the lake was flat as glass. Brian retrieved the canoe while I packed a cooler with snacks and drinks and a camera. Off we went directly across the lake. We took a break at a public "beach" that was really nice. Grass went almost right to the water and I laid in the shade of a tree on a towel in the grass. The grass was cool on my feet and no fear of fire ants like at home. I felt like a kid again. Brian swam and came over to eat grapes. Then we got back in the canoe and headed under the bridge and down a stream. Brian wouldn't let me paddle this part so I could save energy to help get us back against current. I had my camera ready and enjoyed the calmness of the ride. We didn't see much only some ducks and birds. The first duck family we came across one of the baby ducks started swimming towards our canoe. Someone has been breaking the rule about feeding ducks. Why else would wild ducks be approaching the canoe. Later we heard a great struggle in the thick grasses and a terrible sound. We think it was a couple of ducks fighting. I hope it was nothing worse than that. Later we spotted a seagull. For a moment we felt like we were home. Why are seagulls here? Or a seagull, anyway.
Brian got tired of trying to get to the elusive beaver dam a couple told us about. We past a kayaker who said he never found it and Brian started turning the canoe around. I tried making paddling a game. I would paddle five times on each side, take a break and then add five more. Five each side the first time, then ten each side, then 15, up to 25 and back to 5 again and start over. I got tired anyway. On the way back we past 2 families of ducks and remarked there were probably 100s of families all in the marsh grasses that we couldn't see. The same baby duck came up to the boat. I tried making a short video, we'll see how it comes out. The second set was cute, a little smaller, all frantically turning upside down looking for dinner. Then we saw the seagull dive into the water and come up with a fish. He flew right over us with a rather large fish still sticking out of his mouth. Brian and I were laughing, it was so odd, the seagull should be home at the beach, where the heck is a blue heron or something.
Then I saw the large gray cloud appear to our right in the direction Brian says the weather comes. Or original plan was to stop after the bridge at the public beach again and rest but I decided we should keep going. I do not want to be stuck in the middle of this giant lake on a canoe with it raining on us. We kept going all the way, it felt like forever, but slowly our camp got bigger and bigger and we were home. It never rained.
It's quiet now, Brian is sleeping. I just finished my book. I don't like sad endings. I still feel like I'm on that canoe, the water bobbing me up and down, wondering if we can ever reach the otherside. Is it close, is it far, I can't tell.
Monday, July 06, 2009
Holiday
Yesterday Brian was in the water with his nieces, age 6 and 4, swinging them around in the water and chasing them as Monster. I was on the shore intermittent between being cold and the sun coming out and pushing my capris up to warm my legs. I was watching him and all the children on the beach laughing at him as Monster. Suddenly I felt very sad. Brian's mom was right next to me but I cried silently feeling like I could explain away my tears from the intense sun in my eyes. It just all seems so sad to be unable to be parents when he obviously has so much to give.
I notice myself kind of standing back from the girls. I feel like somehow this is protecting me, like if I get too close or allow myself to really open up the sadness of god's rejection will be too much for me to handle. I still remember how I was with my brother when he was very young. I know how that attachment feels, so all is not lost. But it still seems so wasteful of all in my heart and my husband's heart. My big and deep, but hidden and protected, his bursting full of life and no child to give it to.
I'm happy Brian doesn't feel as intense about infertility as I do. He makes me feel like there's still a future, still a happy life without kids. He told me about a month ago I can't let this dictate my happiness, this is just something happening to us and shouldn't affect our happiness. I'm trying to believe that. I think about what he said often.
Today he came back from a hiking trip with his sister and we were having lunch at the local dive diner. He asked me if our next step was taking my eggs out and seasoning them. He demonstrated with a sweet and low packet (my eggs) and pepper (seasoning, his sperm?). I said no, our next step was actually Follistim, shots that make me produce more eggs, and then the same IUI we've done before. Follistim will give me more eggs and more chances for the sperm to find the egg.
Then he asked about the money, that one is not very expensive he said. I said no, not really, about $1300.
But the next one is. The IVF, yes I said it will run about $12,000, he said $15,000 at the same time. That is expensive he said. I thought about it for a second and said, yes, it is expensive, but only if it doesn't work. If it works it's not so bad. He agreed with me.
He told me his sister said two of her friends had conceived with IVF. One had triplets, the other twins. He held his hands against his head and looked rather weary. Are you okay, I asked. Yes, I'm very happy he said. I've never been happier.
This is the Adirondacks and there's no other way for my husband to feel here.
I'm supposed to ovulate this week and that's never happened here before. My test was extremely faint today so we'll see how it each day darkens it. There's magic for my husband here and maybe there will be for me as well.
I notice myself kind of standing back from the girls. I feel like somehow this is protecting me, like if I get too close or allow myself to really open up the sadness of god's rejection will be too much for me to handle. I still remember how I was with my brother when he was very young. I know how that attachment feels, so all is not lost. But it still seems so wasteful of all in my heart and my husband's heart. My big and deep, but hidden and protected, his bursting full of life and no child to give it to.
I'm happy Brian doesn't feel as intense about infertility as I do. He makes me feel like there's still a future, still a happy life without kids. He told me about a month ago I can't let this dictate my happiness, this is just something happening to us and shouldn't affect our happiness. I'm trying to believe that. I think about what he said often.
Today he came back from a hiking trip with his sister and we were having lunch at the local dive diner. He asked me if our next step was taking my eggs out and seasoning them. He demonstrated with a sweet and low packet (my eggs) and pepper (seasoning, his sperm?). I said no, our next step was actually Follistim, shots that make me produce more eggs, and then the same IUI we've done before. Follistim will give me more eggs and more chances for the sperm to find the egg.
Then he asked about the money, that one is not very expensive he said. I said no, not really, about $1300.
But the next one is. The IVF, yes I said it will run about $12,000, he said $15,000 at the same time. That is expensive he said. I thought about it for a second and said, yes, it is expensive, but only if it doesn't work. If it works it's not so bad. He agreed with me.
He told me his sister said two of her friends had conceived with IVF. One had triplets, the other twins. He held his hands against his head and looked rather weary. Are you okay, I asked. Yes, I'm very happy he said. I've never been happier.
This is the Adirondacks and there's no other way for my husband to feel here.
I'm supposed to ovulate this week and that's never happened here before. My test was extremely faint today so we'll see how it each day darkens it. There's magic for my husband here and maybe there will be for me as well.
Thursday, July 02, 2009
Monday, June 29, 2009
Mom to a Kitten
I don't know if I wrote about this or not but sometime last week, Barry the cat showed up with one of Sugar's kittens who was half starved for food. I feed both of them wet cat food and I believe it was the next day I couldn't stop myself from reaching down and grabbing the starving and not paying attention to the giant lady kitten. She freaked out initially and then kind of settled in. I'm sure it was due more to the fact that she was weak from starvation than anything else. The next day I think I let her and Barry on the porch and when Barry was done he left and the kitten sort of stayed. I kept her on the porch for a while and made her a litter box from a cardboard box and she used the bathroom in three other places. The next morning I caught her peeing and put her in the box to finish and she did. Since then she's been using the litter box exclusively. I weighed her and she weighs a pound. She had a really bad flea problem that I researched and decided to give her a bath to drown the fleas. You're supposed to use Dawn dish detergent (good for killing fleas) but I used Method dish detergent and lets just say the fleas considered it a cocktail. I dried her off outside and proceeded to hand pick off any fleas I could find (I didn't even have a flea comb, I'm so unprepared) and dunk them in soapy warm water, which worked, but was difficult to get the fleas. I decided to go ahead and use a partial squirt of my left over Advantage Multi for fleas and worms and mites. I barely squirted her and wiped some of it away. I gave the rest to Barry later that day. It worked! No more fleas.
Unfortunately we can't keep the kitten. This house is almost too small for three cats and four is too much. So we're trying to find her a home. I did get confirmation that if I can get her to 2 pounds a rescue organization I contacted would take her and get her adopted. I'm hoping to have her adopted this week and not need the rescue organization because we are going on vacation and I would feel better knowing she's found a home before we go.
My mom called in the midst of all this and my period on Friday and told me about how she found a new pest company to spray for bugs and she got me an extra can of the good bug spray that I could pick up whenever. I thanked her and later we hung up. She called back a few minutes later.
"You never say thank you," she said.
"I just did!," I said already on the defensive. I can't help it if she didn't hear me or wasn't paying attention or whatever. She continues on about how she wishes I would say thank you more often and say I love you first. At some point I start crying and she says, "Don't get upset, it's not a big deal." And I say, "It is a big deal, I've been dealing with this my whole life, I'm not grateful, I'm not thankful, I am thankful and I said thank you. It says something about your character to not be thankful and I am thankful so it's a big deal when someone says I'm not thankful."
And then she says, "Please don't cry, I didn't mean anything by it, please don't tell Brian, I don't want him to be mad at me, I don't want our relationship to suffer."
"I won't tell him," I said. "It's fine, I'm just very emotional right now, I'm dealing with a lot of stuff and I can't handle additional stress. I can't handle criticism right now. I'm dealing with too much." I'm still crying and can't stop crying and she's telling me to stop crying and don't worry about it, everything is fine. So we hang up.
Saturday we go out of town for the day, Sunday I'm dealing with the kitten. I did suggest to Brian that we could go to my mom's pool for a bit but he doesn't want to go. We have other things to deal with, he's meeting someone at the office then we run errands, we're home making dinner when my mom calls.
She's obviously had too much to drink and I can tell right away that she's in that nasty drunkness where she's just mean. But I don't say anything about it, I never do, about her drinking, I know what I have to say doesn't matter.
"Hi," I say, "How are you?"
"I think you have a problem with me and I want to talk about it."
"No, I don't have a problem with you, everything is fine."
"Then why were you so upset with me before?"
"I told you, I'm dealing with a lot of stuff and I had said thankyou and you said I didn't."
"I thought about you when the bug guy came. I thought about you and got you a can of spray. And you didn't even say thank you."
"I did say thankyou and I was upset because I'm dealing with so much and I can't take criticism right now."
"I think you have a problem with me. And you shouldn't. I should be your best friend after Brian. You should tell me things. But you don't."
By this time I'm just trying to get her off the phone. I can't deal with this right now. I don't want to get back into why we have such a fucked up relationship but what I wanted to say was it might have something to do with the fact that you chose drywalling your closets over helping me become a mom. But I didn't say anything. "You need to call me sometime," she said very meanly when I could finally hang up.
So now I'm dealing with this and this is going to be ugly. It's going to be so awful I can't even think about it. I don't want to get into it with my mom. I want to take it. Tell me the story about the doctor telling you that your good eggs may be gone when you had a miscarriage at 29 years old and then you conceive my brother 3 months later. Tell me not because you tell the story everytime I see you but because it has no relevance to helping me, there is no nugget of help anywhere in the story yet everytime I have to hear the story and not yell at you wondering why the fuck you keep telling me this story. Is it to remind me that my good eggs are now gone? Is that useful for me? How is it useful, how is it helpful? But if that's not enough tell me the story of my aunt's miracle baby, how the doctors said no way she could conceive due to her fallopian tubes, an issue I don't have and has no relevance to me and how she got pregnant a few months later, what was she 26 years old? Please tell me the story again that has nothing to do with me about the pain and fear of being in your twenties and unable to conceive for a couple of months. I'm sure it's exactly the same as being in your late 30s and almost 4 years of trying to conceive behind you. Heck let's throw in major abdominal surgery to boot with no success afterwards. You totally must know how I feel. How about having a mom who totally wants to be my best friend with gobs of money and yet doesn't want to help me in my life's biggest struggle, a struggle that determines what the rest of my life will be like. My best friend with all her money, really the only one who can help me get any further than I already am, and yet would rather drywall her closets than help me be a mom. She's a great friend, that one, can't wait to share all my problems with her.
When I get off the phone Brian tells me that's why he didn't want to go to her pool, because I get very tense and stressed out when we visit her.
I personally think that she feels guilty for not wanting to help me and wants to make me into some sort of bad guy so she doesn't have to feel guilty for not helping me. If I'm the bad guy then I don't deserve her help and she has nothing to feel guilty about.
And the thing is, she never had to feel guilty. She approached me. She asked me to set up an appointment with the RE because she wanted to help. If she didn't want to help, if she wanted to hoard her money for the future and the unknown and the closets, or what the hell ever, that's her business, but when she told me she wanted to help and to set it up and then try to back out the day before and reluctantly go and then ultimately decide not to help, well, how would she expect me to react?
Unfortunately we can't keep the kitten. This house is almost too small for three cats and four is too much. So we're trying to find her a home. I did get confirmation that if I can get her to 2 pounds a rescue organization I contacted would take her and get her adopted. I'm hoping to have her adopted this week and not need the rescue organization because we are going on vacation and I would feel better knowing she's found a home before we go.
My mom called in the midst of all this and my period on Friday and told me about how she found a new pest company to spray for bugs and she got me an extra can of the good bug spray that I could pick up whenever. I thanked her and later we hung up. She called back a few minutes later.
"You never say thank you," she said.
"I just did!," I said already on the defensive. I can't help it if she didn't hear me or wasn't paying attention or whatever. She continues on about how she wishes I would say thank you more often and say I love you first. At some point I start crying and she says, "Don't get upset, it's not a big deal." And I say, "It is a big deal, I've been dealing with this my whole life, I'm not grateful, I'm not thankful, I am thankful and I said thank you. It says something about your character to not be thankful and I am thankful so it's a big deal when someone says I'm not thankful."
And then she says, "Please don't cry, I didn't mean anything by it, please don't tell Brian, I don't want him to be mad at me, I don't want our relationship to suffer."
"I won't tell him," I said. "It's fine, I'm just very emotional right now, I'm dealing with a lot of stuff and I can't handle additional stress. I can't handle criticism right now. I'm dealing with too much." I'm still crying and can't stop crying and she's telling me to stop crying and don't worry about it, everything is fine. So we hang up.
Saturday we go out of town for the day, Sunday I'm dealing with the kitten. I did suggest to Brian that we could go to my mom's pool for a bit but he doesn't want to go. We have other things to deal with, he's meeting someone at the office then we run errands, we're home making dinner when my mom calls.
She's obviously had too much to drink and I can tell right away that she's in that nasty drunkness where she's just mean. But I don't say anything about it, I never do, about her drinking, I know what I have to say doesn't matter.
"Hi," I say, "How are you?"
"I think you have a problem with me and I want to talk about it."
"No, I don't have a problem with you, everything is fine."
"Then why were you so upset with me before?"
"I told you, I'm dealing with a lot of stuff and I had said thankyou and you said I didn't."
"I thought about you when the bug guy came. I thought about you and got you a can of spray. And you didn't even say thank you."
"I did say thankyou and I was upset because I'm dealing with so much and I can't take criticism right now."
"I think you have a problem with me. And you shouldn't. I should be your best friend after Brian. You should tell me things. But you don't."
By this time I'm just trying to get her off the phone. I can't deal with this right now. I don't want to get back into why we have such a fucked up relationship but what I wanted to say was it might have something to do with the fact that you chose drywalling your closets over helping me become a mom. But I didn't say anything. "You need to call me sometime," she said very meanly when I could finally hang up.
So now I'm dealing with this and this is going to be ugly. It's going to be so awful I can't even think about it. I don't want to get into it with my mom. I want to take it. Tell me the story about the doctor telling you that your good eggs may be gone when you had a miscarriage at 29 years old and then you conceive my brother 3 months later. Tell me not because you tell the story everytime I see you but because it has no relevance to helping me, there is no nugget of help anywhere in the story yet everytime I have to hear the story and not yell at you wondering why the fuck you keep telling me this story. Is it to remind me that my good eggs are now gone? Is that useful for me? How is it useful, how is it helpful? But if that's not enough tell me the story of my aunt's miracle baby, how the doctors said no way she could conceive due to her fallopian tubes, an issue I don't have and has no relevance to me and how she got pregnant a few months later, what was she 26 years old? Please tell me the story again that has nothing to do with me about the pain and fear of being in your twenties and unable to conceive for a couple of months. I'm sure it's exactly the same as being in your late 30s and almost 4 years of trying to conceive behind you. Heck let's throw in major abdominal surgery to boot with no success afterwards. You totally must know how I feel. How about having a mom who totally wants to be my best friend with gobs of money and yet doesn't want to help me in my life's biggest struggle, a struggle that determines what the rest of my life will be like. My best friend with all her money, really the only one who can help me get any further than I already am, and yet would rather drywall her closets than help me be a mom. She's a great friend, that one, can't wait to share all my problems with her.
When I get off the phone Brian tells me that's why he didn't want to go to her pool, because I get very tense and stressed out when we visit her.
I personally think that she feels guilty for not wanting to help me and wants to make me into some sort of bad guy so she doesn't have to feel guilty for not helping me. If I'm the bad guy then I don't deserve her help and she has nothing to feel guilty about.
And the thing is, she never had to feel guilty. She approached me. She asked me to set up an appointment with the RE because she wanted to help. If she didn't want to help, if she wanted to hoard her money for the future and the unknown and the closets, or what the hell ever, that's her business, but when she told me she wanted to help and to set it up and then try to back out the day before and reluctantly go and then ultimately decide not to help, well, how would she expect me to react?
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Test Results
I received my test results from the RE today. Here are my numbers:
Estrogen - 40 (looking for <70)
FSH - 7.3 (looking for <10)
AMH - 1.2 (looking for >1)
So I'm normal. The RE says I should respond to Follistim very well.
So, I call up my mom to give her the news. She's called a few times about the results. I re-explained what IUI was and what we had already tried 6 times (IUI with Femara) and how exactly follistim would be different and then started running down the costs.
Although a few months ago she was willing for fork out a couple grand for exploratory surgery, she can no longer help me. She was fine with $150 for follistim but when I got to $300 for IUI she started backing off, then when I got to the costs per ultrasound, she was done, no way, can't do it. Can the doctor take payments, she said. Maybe I could take the most powerful fertility drug out there and not be monitored via ultrasound. Heck not even have the IUI, just shoot myself with a very dangerous drug and see how it goes. Can't you do anything cheaper, yeah it's called what I already did 6 times and it didn't work. This is the next step and it's a step that feels a million miles away now.
She did just have someone dry wall all the closets in her house (to cover the wallpaper) and it took the guy 5 days but no worries. Really, I'm not taking it personally.
Even when she said perhaps I couldn't afford a baby right now. From my mom who had me at 19 and was poor and never said anything other than we were poor and still pulled off big Christmases. Now she's rich and can't pull off big Christmases. People make due, they figure it out. I live in the hood and there's poor babies EVERYWHERE. I think that is the least of the problems and really a seriously poor copout considering everything she's said up to now including just a few hours ago regarding how all she ever wanted was kids (she had me at 19 so the wait wasn't very long) and how she knows I want the same thing, she understands how I feel. I'm not taking it personally, really I'm not.
What I am taking personally is being completely normal in every way and being unable to get pregnant. I had a perfect cycle this month. Everything was perfect, couldn't be any better. I was even in good spirits and serene about the cycle. I was sure I would be pregnant this time.
I even tested today and I don't do that anymore. Whatdaya know I even had $15 to pluck down ongeneric diapers, teeny tiny keds, pediatrician copay, a set of 3 pregnancy tests. But I was sure and I was ready to celebrate. It's 12 days past ovulation (12dpo) and I'm negative. But I'm perfectly healthy and have no reason to be infertile. Great, super-fantastic.
Oh but wait, then there's my favorite reason for not taking it personally. Maybe if you wait a year, I mean, your ovaries won't be any worse off in a year will they? You know, when the economy turns around (never mind the Great Depression lasted 10 years) and you can sell the blue house.
No, turning 39, no big deal at all for the ovaries. Everybody knows that's the best year for ovaries. Some call it the LAST YEAR.
No, wait, there's more:
Maybe you could freeze your eggs. Yeah, I can't afford $1300 for IUI but I can come up with $20,000 to freeze my eggs.
Maybe you could do what Sarah Jessica Parker did. She had a surrogate. Okay, and how much do you think that might have cost? More or less than $1300?
Estrogen - 40 (looking for <70)
FSH - 7.3 (looking for <10)
AMH - 1.2 (looking for >1)
So I'm normal. The RE says I should respond to Follistim very well.
So, I call up my mom to give her the news. She's called a few times about the results. I re-explained what IUI was and what we had already tried 6 times (IUI with Femara) and how exactly follistim would be different and then started running down the costs.
Although a few months ago she was willing for fork out a couple grand for exploratory surgery, she can no longer help me. She was fine with $150 for follistim but when I got to $300 for IUI she started backing off, then when I got to the costs per ultrasound, she was done, no way, can't do it. Can the doctor take payments, she said. Maybe I could take the most powerful fertility drug out there and not be monitored via ultrasound. Heck not even have the IUI, just shoot myself with a very dangerous drug and see how it goes. Can't you do anything cheaper, yeah it's called what I already did 6 times and it didn't work. This is the next step and it's a step that feels a million miles away now.
She did just have someone dry wall all the closets in her house (to cover the wallpaper) and it took the guy 5 days but no worries. Really, I'm not taking it personally.
Even when she said perhaps I couldn't afford a baby right now. From my mom who had me at 19 and was poor and never said anything other than we were poor and still pulled off big Christmases. Now she's rich and can't pull off big Christmases. People make due, they figure it out. I live in the hood and there's poor babies EVERYWHERE. I think that is the least of the problems and really a seriously poor copout considering everything she's said up to now including just a few hours ago regarding how all she ever wanted was kids (she had me at 19 so the wait wasn't very long) and how she knows I want the same thing, she understands how I feel. I'm not taking it personally, really I'm not.
What I am taking personally is being completely normal in every way and being unable to get pregnant. I had a perfect cycle this month. Everything was perfect, couldn't be any better. I was even in good spirits and serene about the cycle. I was sure I would be pregnant this time.
I even tested today and I don't do that anymore. Whatdaya know I even had $15 to pluck down on
Oh but wait, then there's my favorite reason for not taking it personally. Maybe if you wait a year, I mean, your ovaries won't be any worse off in a year will they? You know, when the economy turns around (never mind the Great Depression lasted 10 years) and you can sell the blue house.
No, turning 39, no big deal at all for the ovaries. Everybody knows that's the best year for ovaries. Some call it the LAST YEAR.
No, wait, there's more:
Maybe you could freeze your eggs. Yeah, I can't afford $1300 for IUI but I can come up with $20,000 to freeze my eggs.
Maybe you could do what Sarah Jessica Parker did. She had a surrogate. Okay, and how much do you think that might have cost? More or less than $1300?
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Curses 877 Businesses!
I had a thought last night regarding the internet theft of my debit card. I started thinking about a way someone could make money just by having an order placed and not even care about what the order was or where it went, only that the purchase was made. And it came to me...
Affiliate programs.
Bloggers put ads on their blogs and when you click over and purchase something the blogger makes a percentage of the sale. Not that I think this happened, obviously, from a blogger, but I think something similar where if the person can make sales for the company they make a percentage of the sale. And this is what I think happened. This is why I don't think having the purchases come to me made any difference, except, maybe make it more difficult to explain the situation: Someone stole my debit card and bought stuff and it was all shipped to me, yeah I know, crazy, right. Colon cleansing pills, pssshhh, I never ordered that, seriously.
It seems to make sense considering all the purchases (besides a couple of itunes downloads) came from weird obscure 877 numbers. Every company I called had a third party handle their calls and none of them mention the name of their company on the phone or in the packages I received, no invoices, no order number, nothing. It's extremely weird and reeks of fraud and bad business.
Brian's brother works for the fraud department at a very large bank and though he obviously deals with larger cases of fraud than my couple hundred dollars (still not refunded on my account, by the way) he could only offer that I should have a really good virus program and better yet, use a Mac. Seems Mac is the answer to all the worlds problems, no virus, no ID theft, cuter computers, all around awesome. I have a virus program suggested by my computer guy way back and I ran it as soon as I found out the problem and it didn't really find anything. But maybe I need a better virus progam and we'll certainly look into that. I just won't be buying it over the internet.
Affiliate programs.
Bloggers put ads on their blogs and when you click over and purchase something the blogger makes a percentage of the sale. Not that I think this happened, obviously, from a blogger, but I think something similar where if the person can make sales for the company they make a percentage of the sale. And this is what I think happened. This is why I don't think having the purchases come to me made any difference, except, maybe make it more difficult to explain the situation: Someone stole my debit card and bought stuff and it was all shipped to me, yeah I know, crazy, right. Colon cleansing pills, pssshhh, I never ordered that, seriously.
It seems to make sense considering all the purchases (besides a couple of itunes downloads) came from weird obscure 877 numbers. Every company I called had a third party handle their calls and none of them mention the name of their company on the phone or in the packages I received, no invoices, no order number, nothing. It's extremely weird and reeks of fraud and bad business.
Brian's brother works for the fraud department at a very large bank and though he obviously deals with larger cases of fraud than my couple hundred dollars (still not refunded on my account, by the way) he could only offer that I should have a really good virus program and better yet, use a Mac. Seems Mac is the answer to all the worlds problems, no virus, no ID theft, cuter computers, all around awesome. I have a virus program suggested by my computer guy way back and I ran it as soon as I found out the problem and it didn't really find anything. But maybe I need a better virus progam and we'll certainly look into that. I just won't be buying it over the internet.
Don't It Make My Green Eyes Brown
Watch Me
I don't need my short, blond eyelashes to be considered a condition, it's called genetics. And I certainly don't want to risk the side effect of my unique green eyes to turn brown. What is so wrong with being individuals? Why can't we all look different and be okay with it?
I don't need my short, blond eyelashes to be considered a condition, it's called genetics. And I certainly don't want to risk the side effect of my unique green eyes to turn brown. What is so wrong with being individuals? Why can't we all look different and be okay with it?
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