A Very Sick Fox

I just got back from taking Fox to the vet (again). His right eye has gotten very red from constant watering. I'm not giving the dreaded eye ointment (Zimmy was on this for ages!) and the same medicine Aidan was on for a week. Luckily I had left overs so I'm giving him that and save myself about $20. He also said Fox definitely needs to be off the bottle. He pulled out some Hills wet kitten food and shoved some in Fox's mouth and Fox ate the damn stuff. He told me I could do that or use a syringe to give him this food. It almost has a runny consistency, very easy to get in the syringe. It's also extremely expensive but this is just to get Fox used to real food, hopefully just through the weekend. Fox also had fleas and this is totally my fault. I've been taking him outside to hang out hoping to help his bowels so I don't constantly run behind him wiping and irritating the area. Outside his poop can go anywhere, so we did that last week for a while and then it got really cold and we haven't been out for a few days. I guess the time out there was enough for fleas to get him. I feel very guilty about this.

A couple days ago a friend of the tenant came by to meet Fox and see if she was interested in adopting him. She likes him very much and was ready to take him. I suggested waiting until he was on solid food, to make it easier on her, he's extremely high maintenance and she's a busy girl, so she's waiting about a week. I immediately felt a little worried when she arrived. I want Fox to be very happy and very loved. I've spent a lot of time and effort with him and I don't want it to be in vain. I want to give him the best life possible. Of course I feel like this could be with me but this house is too tiny and we already have too many cats. I'm finding it very hard though to know he'll be gone. He is so cute and fun to be with. He's so loving and sweet. I keep thinking I'll back out and not give him up, hopefully I'll be able to. Hopefully he'll get well very fast and be eating regular kitten food very soon.

Where I Totally Spoil the Plot of "Incendiary" - But You're Not Missing Much

So here I am a week out from a too early period from my last try with IUI and five little follicles that never had a chance. I'm still nursing quite a terrible cough. I went to the doctor who entered the exam room spraying disinfectant and handing me a tissue to cough into, "So I don't get what you have." What I have is apparently a mystery, no fever, nothing in my lungs. I think it may be post nasal drip cough but I've been coughing for over 2 weeks now, pretty severely, especially when I try to sleep. I was given antibiotics, steroids, and cough medicine with codeine. I'm not happy about the antibiotics, any one knows you don't give antibiotics for the common cold but doctors prescribe them anyway because people want them, and they'll go to another doctor if you don't prescribe it. I asked him about it and he said my cough may be bacterial related since it's been going on so long. I thought about it for a few hours, coughing every couple minutes or so, and ended up taking the antibiotics anyway. I've been saving the cough medicine for nighttime. I'm supposed to take a teaspoon every 4 to 6 hours, which I did and it promptly did nothing for the next 2 hours. I took a tablespoon and the next 2 hours were slightly better and then my cough returned. I took another tablespoon and slept through the night. Thank you codeine, thank you. And it's been like that for the past few nights. I'll take a tablespoon around 9 and another at 11 and head for bed. I'll cough a little and fall asleep. If I wake again coughing I'll take another tablespoon. Needless to say a bottle full of a lot of teaspoons does not have so many tablespoons and I fear running out before the cough runs its course.

Beyond that I've been watching a kitten grow. He took his first poop in the litter box last night and we all cheered and he passed out, it was a rather large poop. He's still only eating from a bottle. This morning I was trying to finish up my Netflix movie "Incendiary," which had quite a remarkable sex scene, wow, but otherwise was difficult to watch with a kitten who needs almost constant attention or will bite and scratch at your feet.

In the movie Michelle Williams sadly loses her so-so husband and beloved four year old son when a stadium was bombed where they were watching a game (football?). She pretty much falls apart losing what's most important to her and we spend the next hour or so watching her fall apart in various ways and is finally able to lift herself up when she realizes she's pregnant again. Bringing in new life to the world was the great fix for the desperate tragedy that had befallen her. I couldn't help but think what if she had never gotten pregnant by the guy she was cheating with when her family died or the guy who knew of the bomb and let her family go to the arena anyway? Would she had killed herself then, is life not worth living without a child? Would she not be the great metaphor for London the city by having a bootstraps baby? I don't get that luxury. I don't get a happy ending. I don't get a new start. This is what I have. These are all the ingredients of my life laid out before me and from that I make the best life that I can. But, it's very apparent to me now that children, the embodiment of love and hope, are not going to be a part of that. And I'm trying to be okay with that, I want to be okay with that. But when it got to the part in the movie where she was going to be okay because she was having a baby, I lost it. I cried and cried again. The kitten came up so sweetly and laid in my lap looking up at me so adoringly. And I looked up to God or whoever is supposed to be watching over me and said, "It's not enough."

I'm terrible, I know.

I'm trying to work it out. I'd love to work it out without a cough, how's that for starters.

When Simple Isn't Simple

This cycle has really hit me so hard. I really feel like such a failure.

When I was a kid I always felt like I was pretty, I was a girlie girl, and though I was headstrong, I felt kind of delicate. And yet I had this mom, this young, beautiful mom and I felt like I could never attain that and be like her, be this force of beauty. And there were always girls my age way prettier than me. And everything got to me, everything hurt so much, I felt so dark as a kid. Part of that was because of my parents divorce but I think it was in me before that. I remember being so mad at my mom I got a butter knife and threatened to kill myself in front of her. She looked down at me and said I could never kill myself with a butter knife, I'd need a sharper knife.

I think I just wanted her to know I was hurting, I needed someone to know I was in pain and try to soothe me. But that didn't happen. It got way worse than that. The butter knife incident were the good times. What worries did I have then, I have no idea. Everything came after that.

I never really had a boy love me the way I wanted to be loved. I saw it happening around me and I didn't know what I was doing wrong. I think I was too intense in some ways and in other ways I would latch onto the wrong thing, a boy who didn't know I existed, a boy using me for sex, a boy who was just a boy and didn't understand this fire I felt inside.

And do I have a good marriage now. I love my husband the same way I've always loved. I've been through a lot and I know I hold back in some ways in fear from losing him. I sometimes catch myself doing that. And I think I have justification for feeling that. I wish I didn't feel that way but I do. So it's not entirely solid, it's not entirely free where I feel like I can just breath in the moment, in my life. But this is to be expected in the days when most marriages fail, my mom's two marriages have failed, I don't have to list all the others, we all know plenty of people who have divorced.

I'm afraid my weight is an issue. I don't feel pretty. I know this is not the cool thing to say, I know I'm supposed to feel like I can pull this off but really, I don't feel it's possible. Seriously all overweight women should be pissed off. Clothing is horrendous for overweight people. It's terrible. All of Target's plus sized section right now is a joke. The clothing for everyone else is as cute as it can be. Same for Old Navy. If I scrounge around like a feral dog I might be able to find a few things at more expensive stores, but my wallet can't support that. I'm so angry about this. In these years that I've been stuck back in plus size unable to get a grip on myself I feel so utter frustrated by the clothes selection the lack of even trying to make plus sized girls look and feel pretty. Maybe the goal now is to make us feel empowered, hence all the fucking ugly punk 80s bullshit, but I want to feel pretty, I want to feel like a girl, like a woman, and I can't do that and it frustrates me to no end. I'm thrusted right back at my inadequately at everything. I can't even dress myself. It's such a joke.

And now four years of darkness into trying to become a mom I think it all comes down to this cycle, my best chance. I had multiple follicles, I had plenty of monitoring, I had no infections or any side problems, I took my vitamins every day, I had just the right amount of exercise. I felt good, I felt it was the best possible scenario. And to have it fall apart three days early hitting me like a brick threw me upside down. Going through infertility makes me feel inadequate as a woman. I do not feel like I'm a woman. I cannot grow a life in my belly and birth it and nurture it. The most simple, core, essence part of being a woman and I can't do it.

Taking that on top of the weight on top of my history and I feel so dejected, so lost, so empty. I cannot do what amounts to be the most simplest of tasks my body should be able to do. I feel like a failure and I feel like a waste. The world is crashing down upon me and I have to pick myself up from here and move on. I have to be that woman I've always wanted to be even if she's not the vision I've always had. I have to focus on what I can do and not what I can't do. Things have to change.

Mother Fucker

I would like someone to explain to me how I had a 23 day cycle, with monitoring and a very painful bloodtest. Goddammit. I started my period today. And before you think, oh it's just implantation spotting, it's not, I've had very strong cramps for a few hours now and it's not a light start.

How did this happen? I went in for an ultrasound on Friday the 23rd and was sent for a blood test. I triggered that night and had the IUI on Sunday the 25th. I ALWAYS, ALWAYS have at least a 14 day luteal phase, IUI or not, so that puts me at this Saturday or Sunday to start my period. Counting back from today I would have already ovulated by my blood test on Friday. It doesn't make any sense. I'm so frustrated right now.

I'm so done too. I'm done. Changing gears right when this bullshit period is over.

Why even fucking bother with the monitoring? Why even fucking bother with any of it!

Cat, Cat, Cat, Cat, Cat, and more Cat

With all the time with the kitten I didn't even realize something was going on with Aidan. Aidan is a momma's boy and is usually with me wherever I am. But he's also kind of jealous so I figured he was off on his own because I was usually/always with the kitten. Brian asked me last night if I knew where Aidan was. And I did, he was sleeping in the wicker cat bed in the office. He has been there all day. And maybe some of yesterday too. Before that he was on the couch, the other side of the long couch, surrounded by pillows and curled in a ball. All day, maybe? But that's okay because Andy and Zimmy are on our bed practically all day, that's what cats do. Aidan hasn't been sleeping with me but that's because I have a cold that turns into an obnoxious couch and I toss and turn all night searching for a position that doesn't make me cough (there isn't one). He came up at one point a couple nights ago and jumped down within 10 minutes or so. Sure, usually he'll put up with my tossing and turning but this time is different, I'm miserable.

But he's also wheezing. And maybe that should have sparked something but every cat in the house is sneezing except Zimmy and I'm sneezing too. We're all sneezing, no biggie, right? But I crouched down to look into his bed and his nose is very runny and he couldn't be bothered to get up and see me like he usually would. He did purr while I rubbed him. I'll just take him to the vet tomorrow (which is today). He'll be okay.

Then this morning he was waiting by the bathroom door when I got up. Brian was showering so I let him in and he jumped up on the rail of the tub and drank the water droplets on the wall (his favorite thing). We thought, hey, that's a good sign. But then after licking the wall for about 10 minutes he jumped down and went back in the wicker bed. I don't think he's eaten, I don't think he's used the litter box, but I don't know. There's too many cats to know.

I called the vet to get him in after my OB/GYN appointment. They are closing at noon today. My appointment is at 11 and I won't get the car until right before then (Brian is in another county this morning). Should I have canceled my appointment to get him in or is it okay to bring him tomorrow? I've already canceled my appointment once, due to my period, and there's a couple months waiting list every time I do, so I didn't cancel. I hope I'm doing the right thing. You have no idea how much I love this cat.

Aidan had a cold a few months ago and we took him to another vet who charged a freaking arm and a leg and Aidan almost immediately got better. Then a while later he started sneezing again but it wasn't bad, no runny nose so I let it go, I'm already behind of vet visits for the other cats and then Aidan's first cold and now the kitten. He's the only cat who had the upper respiratory vaccination for pete's sake, that shot was expensive. Now Aidan again and the kitten for good measure (he's been sneezing too), that bill is going to suck and still Andy and Zimmy are behind, still!

A Toast to Cough Syrup with Narcotics

This has been a tough two week wait. For one thing I've had sore boobs since like the day of my IUI. And I've been putting it out of my mind, but then they'll go be all sore again and I'll think wow, a real live might be pregnant symptom fucking with me every day. But now that I've decided to write it I'm sure it will go away.

The second part is I have a terrible cold. I've been coughing since last Friday. I would love love love some cough syrup with codeine, if for nothing else to help me get through the nights where I'm coughing myself awake and feeling guilty for keeping my husband awake. But I can't have cough medicine if I'm pregnant, I can't risk it, and yet I swear to god when I start my period I'm going to be so freaking pissed. My chest and stomach hurts from all the coughing. I was nervous about buying cough drops. It's bullshit. The cough drops aren't helping by the way. And really in a nutshell this is why I'm so happy to be changing gears. I'm not going through this shit anymore. If I get a cold after this week, I'M TAKING COUGH MEDICINE. I'm doing whatever I want and not worrying about what I might be doing to a phantom baby that doesn't exist.

I wanted to share a little anecdote today about something that really frustrated me to no end. Brian and I go to a little cafe near our house very regularly. It's tiny and usually quite busy for lunch. Today after voting we were waiting for a table for a few minutes and a couple of ladies come in after us. The hostess told them they would be sat right after us. When they looked around the dining room they noticed their friends at a table. I noticed the friends too because they were pretty much finished and I was certain they would be the next to leave. The friends said, "oh you can have our table," and the two ladies behind us went ahead of us and sat down with their friends who left about 2 minutes later. I was stunned that people could be so inconsiderate and rude.

About Fox

I'm having quite a difficult time with Fox the kitten. I can't get him to eat any kitten food, I can't even get him interested in the smell of it, nothing, he just doesn't like it. Doesn't like water, he can't even lick anything. He does bite me, alot. Hard. And I just feel like if he can bite, he can eat wet cat food. I've mixed it with warm water, I've mixed it with warm formula, I even tried baby food today to see if that made a difference, nothing. He drinks a lot, almost 2 kitten bottles a day, and he still panics about the food clawing at the bottle and my hands and then chewing on the nipple. I still have to guide him to the center of the nipple where he will eventually suck properly and down about $2 of kitten formula at a sitting.

He was doing pretty good with the litter box for a while as far as peeing. He seemed to pee at least twice a day in there, which made me really happy. Pooping is still an issue, it's very wet and seems pretty constant, I spend a lot of time dealing with poo at the kitchen sink. I just want this part to get normal where he can poop in the litter box when he needs to and never had a start of poo on his butt like all the time, all day, every moment.

And just when I thought that was the worst of it, it's like today he totally forgot how to pee. I tried stimulating him in the morning and nothing. He only had a little bit of formula and went around exploring in the living room like he always does. I put him in the litter box at one point and he wasn't interested. About 10 minutes later I see him laying next to the couch so I pick him up and put him on my lap. He seems to be falling asleep, he was on his back and all the sudden it felt very warm and yes, he was peeing on me, on my pants and my shirt and my whole lap area and yes the sofa cushion too. So I got him cleaned up, he was on his back after all, and put him back in the crate. I removed the slipcover, it went into the cushion of course, and sprayed Shout and wiped the best I could, the good thing is kitten pee is not like cat pee and doesn't even really smell. The I washed the slipcover and my clothes and took a shower. He didn't even make a peep the whole time, kind of like he knew he messed up.

Usually I'm sitting on a blanket on the couch. Usually he's wrapped in a tea towel or something like it when he's on the couch (due to the poo issue). But I had neither of these things today, everything seems constantly dirty.

I just wish we could advance from here, everything is the same as 2 weeks ago pretty much. Sure he'll occasionally use the litter box but he's still on the bottle exclusively and still has pooping issues. I'd at least think I could get him to lick some wet cat food from my finger, that he bites all the time unless it has wet cat food on it.

Feeling Like This Today

"It's Not" Lyrics by Aimee Mann

I keep going round and round on the same old circuit
A wire travels underground to a vacant lot
Where something I can't see interrupts the current
And shrinks the picture down to a tiny dot
And from behind the screen it can look so perfect
But it's not

So here I'm sitting in my car at the same old stoplight
I keep waiting for a change but I don't know what
So red turns into green turning into yellow
But I'm just frozen here on the same old spot
And all I have to do is to press the pedal
But I'm not
No, I'm not

People are tricky, you can't afford to show
Anything risky anything they don't know
The moment you try, you kiss it goodbye

So baby kiss me like a drug like a respirator
And let me fall into the dream of the astronaut
Where I get lost in space that goes on forever
And you make all the rest just an afterthought
And I believe it's you who could make it better
But it's not
No, it's not
No, it's not

Ninth IUI

I had my ninth and very most likely last IUI today. I don't have a lot of time but I wanted to enter my ultrasound numbers from Wednesday and Friday:

To recap on Friday, 10/16, CD3:
Left Ovary: 15x8
Right Ovary: 22x18, 9x8
Endo: 7 hyper mm

Wednesday, 10/21, CD8:
Left Ovary: 13x8, 11x16
Right Ovary: 13x11, 10x8, 15x15
Endo: 10 hyper mm

Friday, 10/23, CD 10:
Left Ovary: 21x18, 14x11, 10x10
Rigth Ovary: 20x15, 17x13
Endo: 10 hyper mm

It doesn't make a lot of sense to me, sizes kind of all over the place but I will say this, I actually got to see the screen on Friday and she is so fast that it doesn't really feel 100% accurate. Maybe it is, I'm just a lay person watching blobs on a screen get clicked and entered into a computer. I was very happy to watch and see exactly what goes on. I also don't know what of the 5 follicles are true contenders. Thursday was my last day on Follistim and Friday night I gave myself the Ovidrel and we had the IUI today, CD12. I did have a blood test on Friday to make sure I wasn't ovulating on my own.

So that's that. I feel a real sense of relief knowing I went to this point, I had 3 tries of IUI with Follistim. IVF may or may not be something we can do in the future, most likely not. But there's something okay about taking the opportunities I was given, doing everything I could, and then trying somehow to move on, switch gears. Not that we will stop trying naturally but that's not going the be the full focus of my life anymore. I really want to feel better about myself again. I want to eat better and go back to the gym. I don't to be thinking oh this could hurt my chances or that could hurt my chances, better not lift this, better not sweat today. All that is over after this cycle. Changes are going to come.

Right now, holy cow, this little guy takes up practically all my time. We decided to name him Fox after the X-Files television series we enjoyed watching every night for the past 7 months.



I don't know how Robyn of Bitchypoo does it.

He's been having some pooping issues, mostly pooping very little everywhere, and I mean everywhere. I ended up taking him to our vet today who was sure it was parasites and gave him something orally and something on the back of his neck and I was given some meds to give him for the next 10 days. He said the kitten was more likely about 5 weeks, not 15 days old. This is a relief to me because this little guy needs to be more self sufficient but I look at Robyn's videos and her kittens, who are 3 weeks old look the same or even bigger than this kitten. He told me to try mushing up some wet cat food with formula and giving him that and he also said as soon as his pooping issues are resolved he should pretty much be ready to be litter trained. If could just get him better assisted poopy trained I'd be happy. I'm on my third shirt today and yesterday every towel and rag in the house needed to be washed.



I tried mushing up the kitten food but he would have nothing of it, he did step in it a few times. I tried getting some on my finger and giving him that but it didn't really work out either. Once I gave him his bottle he drank about 3/4ths of it, the most he's ever had.

Kitty Mommy

I had my ultrasound yesterday and I don't have my exact follicle sizes because she didn't make me a copy but I have 5 what I think are good sized follicles. I'm continuing 200iu of Follistim yesterday and today and going back tomorrow for another ultrasound.

Even bigger news is the night before the ultrasound at around midnight Brian heard someone in the space between our house and the blue house. He went out in his boxers with a baseball bat and found our tenant with a flashlight trying to locate the source of a very loud kitten meowing under her house. We ended up ripping off the metal mesh over the open part of the cinder block foundation and our tenant, wearing dish gloves, reached in and pulled out the tiniest little kitten I've probably ever seen. It's obvious this is Sugar's kitten and she's abandoned him. Brian found her over in our yard completely oblivous to these crazy loud meows from the kitten. Still, the kitten is so small he can't eat on his own and Sugar's right there with milk aplenty. I tried luring Sugar on the back porch and she was freaking out, rightfully so, and swinging the kitten around, I was afraid that she'd hurt the kitten so I just let her go and had Brian call the emergency vet. I don't know what I was thinking would happen, like she'd come on the porch and be all motherly and not feral, I was really tired and not thinking straight.

The vet told us to get a bottle and kitten formula for the kitten. We left the kitten with the tenant and ran to Walmart. We also bought a smallish crate. The kitten was still screaming when we got back and I tried to feed him but wasn't having very much luck. It did take me longer than I'd like to admit to realize there wasn't a hole in the bottle's nipple, you have to make one yourself. He still was having trouble. This was the night before my ultrasound and it was approaching 1 am. We ended up going to the emergency vet, I really wanted to turn the kitten over to someone, but they wouldn't take him. The vet was in surgery, at 1 am! so the assistant helped us. She checked him out and said he was healthy and didn't have any fleas. She got a couple syringes and showed me how to use the syringes for the formula. And she told me how to wipe him with a wet cotton ball or paper towel so he'll pee and poop. He pooped for her but hasn't pooped since. She filled some surgical gloves with warm water and made a little bed with a cardboard box and a blanket. She didn't even charge us.

We came home and set up the crate and rewarmed the gloves in the microwave. He screamed pretty much the whole time. Finally he fell asleep and was quiet for a while. It got up around 4 and again at 6 and then we had to get ready for the ultrasound. He was still very loud yesterday and having a tough time. When it was time to go to bed I really really just wanted to be able to sleep. He may have cried some but it wasn't loud enough to wake us and has been doing better today. He's had a lot of formula and I cut a bigger hole in the bottle since he's going through 3 or 4 syringes of formula every few hours hoping it would be easier to feed him. Still, man I wish there was someone else who could take this kitten. The lady at the vet said he was about 10 days old. It's going to be a long time until he's more self sufficient, not to mention I really don't want another cat. The cats are freaked out, I think from his extremely loud meow, and don't really go near him. I tried with the last stray kitten to get some outside help but all the shelters are booked and won't take such a small kitten.

I really want to get Sugar fixed.